My Final Goodbye

Today I said good bye to the only grandfather I ever knew. I touched his hands and kissed his forehead for the very last time in my life. I did not want to pull myself away from his side. I stood by my mom and held her as she cried. It was so hard for me to say goodbye. It broke my heart to see my mom say goodbye.

Today I mourned. Today my family mourned, but more importantly, we celebrated. We celebrated our family. After his service we went to my cousins house to eat as a family. Let me just tell you, I forgot how big of a family I have. I would say that about 3/4 of my family came to eat dinner. By family I mean aunts, uncles, brothers, sisters, cousins, second cousins, nieces, nephews and all of their spouses. To say that it was a packed house would be an understatement.

Today was an experience. I met so many family members that I had no idea I had. After awhile I found that it was easier to introduce myself as one of Aida's daughters than by my name alone. Dinner was amazing. My cousin pulled out a box of pictures and we sat around looking at them and laughing at our ridiculous haircuts, our super 80's clothes and just simply reminiscing.

We had a lot of laughs, but the sadness was still there. There was one seat empty. My memory of family gatherings will always be of my grandfather and his brother, my great uncle Luis, sitting side by side.

Today I said farewell to the only man I ever called grandfather, mi abuelito, mi apa. I will never forget him. The last few things my grandfather ever told me was that we were lucky to be such rich people, for being blessed with such a large family. I will never, ever forget that.

Family gatherings will never be the same now that my grandfather is gone, but they will always remind me of him and how rich we really are.

My days

My days are filled with many emotional ups and downs. When I have moments to myself I get really sad thinking about my grandfather. Tuesday was bad. Wednesday was really bad. I have been dealing with my loss not by expressing sadness, but by being angry...I don't know why. I have been really moody and find myself snapping at people for no reason. Tuesday, I went to the gym and I was ready to sock this guy in the face for looking at me the wrong way.

I had lunch with my mom on Wednesday and that was good. We talked and just spent time together. After lunch she took me over to Alba's and to my surprise I found Bobby and Chris waiting for me to take me to the beach. Alba had packed a bag for me with my bathing suit and a towel. It didn't make me happy. I got upset and told them I just wanted to go home. I started crying. They took me to the beach anyway. I sat in the back of the truck with Alba,I cried the whole way there.
I'm glad they took me against my will. Alba and I made a sand castle. Bobby and I wrestled in the sand, it got my mind off things.

We had so many jokes. For some strange reason Alba's truck was giving off this super foul smell of sulfur. You know, that rotten egg smell? Bobby and Chris kept making jokes about it. They told me to title my blog "huevos and culo" (eggs and ass for my non spanish speaking readers). That's what they said the truck smelled like. Seriously the smell was so foul. We went to kragen and as we pulled up the guy that was parked next to us was like: "Hey your truck smells like rotten eggs." Yeah buddy I think we know.
Here are a few of the comments that had me rolling and holding my side:

Chris:
"Fuck it smells like Humpty Dumpty in here"

Bobby:
"The truck smells like Easter"

We bought a bag of gummi worms and Chris stuck his face in the bag:

"I can't stand the smell anymore"
Alba and I: "no fair pass it back this way"

Me: "The fumes are probably toxic and we've been sitting here breathing it in like idiots." Needless to say we all started rolling...I think we were delirious.

So, I'm sure you're probably thinking that something went bad in the truck and we should have been looking for it to throw it out. But it wasn't forgotten take out, it was the truck itself. I have no idea what it was, none of us did, but it sure gave us a lot to laugh about.

I know I have not experienced my toughest day yet. Tomorrow I am going to San Diego; my grandfathers viewing is Sunday. I am scared. I just want to say thank you again to everyone who has tried to make my days a little easier. Your support is greatly appreciated.

update

So I wanted to update everyone on my job hunt. I was offered a position at California Unified Service Providers as a behavior technician and I accepted. So....that means that I am putting in my two weeks at IKEA. I haven't told the head honchos yet, so to my IKEA readers please don't mention it to them yet. Please. I'm really excited, I'll be putting my degree to use, yay!! I love working with children and I am excited to have a position in which I will be helping children with disabilities. So that is the latest 411 in the job search area of my life.

should i even bother going to sleep?

So it's rather late...or should I say early. With everything that has gone on I have been feeling so crappy. I am all over the place. Sometimes I feel like throwing up, sometimes I feel like eating. Sometimes I'm really tired, sometimes I just can't sleep. Actually, with the last one I guess most of the time I just feel like sleeping, except for tonight. Don't know why that is. Since Sunday I think I have averaged about 10 hours of sleep a night and I wake up in the morning (afternoon) wanting to continue sleeping. I'll get up and do some things and then I feel exhausted. On Monday, I thought that working out would make me feel better. It didn't. The whole time I was at the gym I kept thinking to myself how I really just wanted to be in bed sleeping. Needless to say I actually managed to swim for an hour. Then, I came home and slept. I'm going to really try to go to sleep right now. Let's see what time I end up waking up.

Your support

I just wanted to thank all of you for the support you given me in my loss. I appreciate it so much. It means a lot to me. Thank you especially to my online family-Chhean, Pablo and Justin, reading your comments really helped. I'll be in San Diego for awhile and I won't be back at work until next Thursday I believe. I love you guys. Thank you.

In Loving Memory

Today at work during my last break I thought I would check my phone to see if anyone had called me. I opened my phone and to my surprise I had 3 missed calls, each one from a different family member. Without even listening to my messages I immediately knew that something was wrong. I called my cousin and she broke the news to me that my grandfather had passed away earlier in the evening of a heart attack. I couldn't hold back the tears and I sat alone in the office and cried. After I got off the phone with my cousin I called my mom and told her that I was on my way home.

On the drive home the only thing I could think about was my last conversation with him. I will never forget his smile as I showed him the pictures of my sister and her new family. I wrote a blog about that conversation. It meant a lot to me. That conversation really made me realize how valuable my relationship is with my family.

When I got home I ran to my mom and we held each other and cried. My mom's dad was the last grandparent that I had, and now he is gone. My grandparents are back together again. Tomorrow is my grandma's birthday, She died five years ago. My mom smiled as she told me that she guessed my grandma didn't want to spend another birthday without my grandfather.

I can't even explain how much it hurts that he is gone.

Through the sadness, I can still find reasons to smile. When I got home everyone was there, it made me feel safe. My three year old nephew Jesse told my mom that he would share his grandpa with her so she didn't have to cry, it made me laugh.

I'll probably be in San Diego for the rest of the week to spend time with my family and to bury my grandfather. Until we meet again abuelito, I love you.

This career thing

Hey everyone, I thought I would keep you updated on my job search. So, on Thursday I have two interviews, and I am so nervous. Both jobs involve working with children who have autism. I know it seems like an odd career to want, but I feel driven to work with this segment of the child population. For those of you who don't know, my long term goal is to go back to school for my Ph.D in Speech/Language Pathology. Both of these jobs would give me the neccessary experience to be a strong candidate for graduate school, so I hope the interviews go well. Wish me luck, think good thoughts, pray for me, whatever you feel most comfortable doing. I'll let you guys know how they go.

We are rich people

I was talking with my grandfather the other day and as I showed him all the new pictures of his grandkids and his three great grandkids, he told me how lucky we are to be such rich people. He is so right. In my life I have realized Nothing can replace my family. They are the most important people in my life. I am so lucky to live with my family. I get to see my nephews grow up. Hear them as they speak their first words, take their first steps. I was there to see my sister give birth and see my siblings accomplish other great things. Life can be rough, sometimes family can make it rough, but in the end they will always be there for me. As my life slowly settles down, I am glad that I can enjoy moments with my family. Recently I felt like I was missing out on family time. Today I actually got off work early enough to spend time with them. Just sitting. laughing and talking over dinner made me realize how truly wealthy I am.

The Choices We make.

If you still read this, this blog goes out to you...if you don't then at least I got it off my chest for everyone else to read.

I made a decision that I knew would hurt you. It hurt me a lot too. However, I chose not to show it with tears anymore. I made the decison to not spend the rest of my summer crying. It was such a hard decision, but it was one that I had to make. I don't care if you believe me, I don't care what you think of me anymore. You don't know what it's like to be me. You never will. The choices we make, we can only learn from. I can not let the choices I make destroy me. I told you that this would not be easy. In fact, it turned out to be too hard. I did all that I could and I don't care if you think I did.

I suppose if this is how you have to deal with it, then the only thing I can do is respect that. Today you told me this was my decision. You are mistaken. Dealing with it this way is YOURS.

undiscovered treasures

Today I took a long walk at Hansen dam....do any of you know where that is? I don't either and I was just there today....What I do know, is that I wish I would have known about this place sooner. It was so nice to be out there. It was such a nice evening and there was a lot of people out, walking, enjoying the summer evening. It was peaceful. I enjoyed myself so much....if you guys know where it is/can find it, you should go out there and take a stroll. Sorry I don't have anything too exciting to post but in my case i guess that is actually a good thing. I'm going to bed. Good night folks.

The pieces that fit

So I am back home now in Santa Monica after spending the entire day in San Diego with my mommy. I had such a great time. I love spending time with my mom. We talked the entire time in the car, it was so therapeutic. There is a feeling of comfort when my mom and I talk that nothing else compares to.

So, when we got to San Diego we took a quick nap and then hung out with my cousins. We spent most of the time visiting different family members. Spending time with family is amazing. It was great to be able to sit and have dinner with my aunts and cousins. I sat there and just took everything in. It felt so good to see my mom happy, hanging out with her sisters. I can only imagine she felt the way I feel when I hang out with my brothers and sisters. It was great to catch up with my cousins and tell them about the crazy times that my brothers and I have together.

You know what made me really happy? I got to eat nachos from my absolute favorite taco shop in san diego....man did that take me back. As I sat eating nachos with my cousins and aunts all around, I remembered all those summers that my family would come down to san diego and visit. It reminded me of spending entire days playing in my grandparent's pool with all my cousins. My parents and my aunts would switch off watching us and at the end of the day we would go inside and enjoy our nachos.

Years have gone by since those summers, but when we get together, no matter how long it's been, everything falls into place. Like a puzzle, all of the pieces fit when we are brought back together.

I had a great day.

What time is it?

Why am I up at 7 in the morning??!!!! Oh yeah...I am on my way to San Diego with my mommy. Aside from being tired I am excited....I can't remember the last time my mom and I spent time together alone...let alone a whole day of just the two of us. For those of you who read this (assuming anyone still reads this) and don't already know I have a crap load of brothers and sisters, so one on one time is a rarity. It's been a great ride so far. I can't wait till we get there. We're going to visit some family and just spend the whole day together....Spending time with my mom is so relaxing. It's crazy I live like two blocks from her yet I don't talk to her as much as I would like too. So today will be some good quality time. Yay we are getting off the freeway!!! It's 7:30 in the morning, and it takes two hours to drive here, do the math and you'll know how long I've been up for. So far it has totally been worth it.

too many things

I have my moments where I post blogs on a regular basis and then i have those times where I won't even look at this thing for weeks...So here I go again trying to post on this thing more than once a month...we'll see how long it lasts. hmmm...you know what's funny? When I'm at work and I should be working I think of things that I would want to go home and write about. Then, I get home and I'm so tired all I want to do is sleep and I've forgotten everything that was going to write. I was thinking that I wanted to write more uplifting posts, seeing how Erica told me I am depressing her and not entertaining her when she reads this thing....Sorry Air it's just the chaos that is me. Right now I actually feel okay and surprisingly I don't know if that's a good thing.

I don't think I have had true stability in my life since I have moved to Santa Monica. Santa Monica is not the cause, but rather I ended up here as a result of other things. Moving here was the beginning of the tornado that has been my life for the past 4 and a half months. My goal for this week is to do what Inez needs to do, breathe, think clearly and take one step forward with out anyone by my side. My goal for this week is to take just one step...I know I can do it.