Used to

I used to think I could handle anything. My life hasn't been easy, and having already gotten through so much I always told myself nothing could stop me. I know everyday I make the effort to take a step forward, but this year I feel like I have been pushing a ton of bricks just to take the smallest of steps. This year has worn me down. My heart is heavy, but I try to put my best face forward. If life is progress how come I don't feel any different than I did nine months ago. I get mad at myself because although I know there has been forward progress in aspects regarding my education and career, I feel like there hasn't been any when it comes to my emotions.
They are still jumbled and chaotic. I snap at the smallest thing. Inside me I felt like I had a small piece of sunshine. Now, I can't find it. I remember that I used to make people smile..I force it now.
My emotions are on my face, in my eyes. They swell from the tears, makeup can't hide it.
I will never give up, but damn, sometimes it's hard.

5 days

It had been five days since I had gone swimming and it was nice to get back in the pool this morning. The pool that I swim at was closed Thanksgiving and also due to my illness I wasn't able to swim. I'm feeling better now for the most part, so I'm happy. For a moment there though I was completely incapacitated. I spent the majority of Thursday and Friday in bed. It was not fun.
Anyway, I took it pretty easy this morning, I'm trying to ease back into my routine. I don't have that much time left to swim this year though. The pool is closing for a month for repairs and what not. I have no idea what I'm going to do. I was thinking about running, but it is just too damn cold and dark in the morning. At least the pool is heated and I'm never alone. I guess I just have to find a different pool in the meantime.
Or I could just start sleeping in.......

Now I have to wait

Heroes was on tonight. Another fabulous episode. The stories are coming together, things are making sense. Lots of questions still. Now I just have to wait till next week. I'm going to be so sad when it goes on break for the holidays. I'm tired so sorry for the short post. Night folks.

Thankful

I wanted to write this yesterday but due to physical limitations I could not. First, I am thankful that I had the day off from work yesterday, otherwise I would have had to call in sick. I woke up yesterday morning ridiculously sick. I didn't get out of bed until 4pm. It was horrible. I couldn't move (except to get up and go throw up), I had a fever, and my whole body hurt. At 4 o clock I was determined to get out of bed, so I got up and took a shower. I thought, if I look better maybe I'll feel better. Yeah, that didn't work. I was all dressed up feeling like shit.
Bobby came at like 5:30 and we went to his parents house for dinner. The whole time I was there I felt like lying down. The sight of food was making my stomache turn. Needless to say we didn't stay there long. We came back to my house and I went straight to bed.
Thankfully dinner at my house was really late. So I got to sleep for an hour or so before dinner was served. This time when I woke up I did feel a little better. That made me happy since I really wanted to eat dinner with my family, especially since my little brother the chef had been cooking since Tuesday. Dinner was amazing. My brother really outdid himself. He made a fabulous turkey, five sides and 3 beautiful pies. I am thankful that he found something that he truly loves.
Before dinner we went around and each said what we were thankful for.
I am thankful for many things, too many to list, but what I am most thankful for is my family. They were strong for me when I couldn't stand on my on. They were there for me to lean on and they all gave me a shoulder to cry on. This year was rough but I am thankful that I have them in my life. I don't know if I could have done it with out them.

Interrupted

So yesterday I was kind of interrupted from writing my post so I made it super short and just posted it because I hate saving it for later. By the time I get back to it, I've forgotten what my motivation was for writing it.
Anyway, so yesterday morning I was super tired and I just couldn't get myself out of bed to go swim. Well, when I finally did get up I felt bad so bad for not swimming that I packed my bag so that I could swim some laps after work. Let me tell you I will never swim after work. The pool was crowded, I had to share a lane the whole time and I didn't get to swim in the lane that I normally swim in. (There was already two people swimming there and I didn't want to make us swim circles just so I could swim in my lane.) It was really dark by the time I got in the pool and the lane I chose was not very well lit. Since I couldn't really see how far I was from the wall I kept doing my flip turns too early and it was just a water up my nose mess. I would miss the wall entirely, or just barely reach it enough to push off with my toes. I guess that's better than having smashed my face into the wall, that would have sucked.
Needless to say that definitely taught me a lesson and I was up bright and early this morning ready for my swim. It was nice to see the familiar faces of the morning crowd, I didn't have to share a lane the whole time and yes, I got to swim in my lane. : )
It's been a good morning so far, nice and slow. I only have one client today and that's not till later this afternoon. One more day of work and then it's Turkey day! Yay!

Lunes

Another Monday, another work week. I'm actually quite excited. Heroes is on tonight and it is a short work week. Thanksgiving is Thursday and I definitely have a lot to be thankful for. This year we will be celebrating with another member of the family, and although it was a difficult year for me I have lots to look forward to. Well, it's going to be a short post. I hope everyone has a great Thanksgiving.

How time flys

So Thursday was my nephew Matthews first birthday. We had his baptism and birthday party all at the same time yesterday. It was good times. All the family got together, even some family from San Diego and we had a good time hanging out and eating some yummy food. Since my grandfather passed away in August I can honestly say that we have made a sincere effort to spend more family time together. The majority of my family lives in San Diego and we have made more trips down there to see them. They have made an effort to come up and visit too. Hopefully that continues.
Well, it's been a pretty good weekend so far, I'm just gonna relax and watch some football. I'll post some pictures of the festivities soon. : )

Halloween and Bday Pictures

I had a blast on halloween and on my bday. Thought I would share some of the fun.

Steph and I waiting at the bus stop



My brother the tequila bottle, Maria the sexy whatever she was and me



Nothing beats the blues like a bottle of tequila



My drinking buddies and me on my bday



Me and the ladies



I love my little bro!




Check out some more pictures on my Myspace

Mornings

I stand alone in the cold darkness.
A sudden splash and I am fully submerged.
My thoughts overtake me. They flow around me like the water.
I can not escape them, they are above me and below me.
Wave like thoughts that rebound off the wall and I have no choice
but to face them.
I pull and kick through them, searching for answers,
only to come up with more questions.
Sometimes I move slowly through them, carefully analyzing.
Other times I try to charge through them but they overwhelm me.
I continue forward.
Pull, pull, kick, kick.
A revolution of body and mind and I am back at the beginning.
The answers are at the other wall. I keep going.
I have yet to reach that other wall.

Bowling anyone?

Let me just tell you I suck at bowling, but I have so much fun doing it. Last night Chris and I went bowling. It was good times. We got to the bowling alley a little before Extreme bowling started so we hit the bar and watched the rest of the SC game. They won, YAY!
For the record we both suck, and after two buckets of beer we are horrible. When we first started bowling we were both bowling over one hundred. By the end of the night our combined scores barely totaled one hundred. If you didn't already know, Chris is really competitive so it was awesome that I beat him 5 out of the 6 games we played. HEHE. Sorry to put you on blast, but it was funny seeing you get mad over losing. All in all it was good times. Beer and bowling make a great combination. If anyone is up for bowling, just let me know, I am so down to go again.
Well I hope everyone had a great weekend. I am off to bed.

Work update

I got promoted at work. Yay me!!!! Previous title: Jr. Behavior technician. New title: Behavior technician. They dropped the Jr. and added the cheddar to my check. : ) Oh yeah, and they also dropped the supervisor from all my sessions, so I work alone now.

Before too much time goes by

Well I said I was going to post some pics of Halloween and my birthday. I don't have them all, but here is a preview. I'll probably post some more next week and maybe I'll put some on my Myspace.

Me and Alba after my birthday dinner




If I ever have a daughter I am naming her after them. Love you ladies!!



Getting a ride to the car from my best friend Bobby (it was my birthday i shouldn't have to walk anywhere! : P )




My little Princess Lulu and Matthew on Halloween



She looks overjoyed doesn't she!



Stay tuned for more pics!

A long time ago...

I was driving the other day just like I always do, flipping through the stations and I heard this song. It had been so long since I had heard it, but even so, the lyrics still held meaning for me. Listening to it brought back so many memories...of high school and, of more recent times. I thought I would share this verse with you, it was the verse that was playing when I heard it on the radio. The song is Ex-factor by Lauryn Hill, from her album: The Miseducation of Lauryn Hill

I keep letting you back in
How can I explain myself?
As painful as this thing has been
I just can't be with no one else
See I know what we've got to do
You let go, and I'll let go too

Happy Birthday

Happy Birthday to me!!! Nothing to big planned..tonight I'm hanging out with those near and dear to me, because that's what it's all about. Saturday....it's party time. I'll see some of you soon!