Used to

I used to think I could handle anything. My life hasn't been easy, and having already gotten through so much I always told myself nothing could stop me. I know everyday I make the effort to take a step forward, but this year I feel like I have been pushing a ton of bricks just to take the smallest of steps. This year has worn me down. My heart is heavy, but I try to put my best face forward. If life is progress how come I don't feel any different than I did nine months ago. I get mad at myself because although I know there has been forward progress in aspects regarding my education and career, I feel like there hasn't been any when it comes to my emotions.
They are still jumbled and chaotic. I snap at the smallest thing. Inside me I felt like I had a small piece of sunshine. Now, I can't find it. I remember that I used to make people smile..I force it now.
My emotions are on my face, in my eyes. They swell from the tears, makeup can't hide it.
I will never give up, but damn, sometimes it's hard.